Be Selfish! (Yes, Really!)
When it comes to a thriving marriage, most people will tell you to be selfless—to give, compromise, and sacrifice.
But here’s a radical idea: be selfish!
Now, before you raise an eyebrow, let me explain:
Rethinking Selfishness in Marriage
In relationships, “selfishness” often carries a negative connotation. We equate it with neglect, self-centeredness, or putting our needs above others without care. However, what if we redefine selfishness as a tool for fostering deep, meaningful connections? What if being “selfish” simply means taking intentional action to cultivate the emotions and experiences we crave in our marriage?
Imagine this—you walk through the door after a long, exhausting day:
What do you truly want to feel in your home?
- Love?
- Peace?
- Warmth?
- Acceptance?
- Joy?
Be honest with yourself. What emotional environment do you crave?
The Power of Emotional Responsibility
Most people unconsciously rely on their spouse to set the emotional tone of the home. If their partner is grumpy, they become grumpy too. If their partner is distant, they withdraw as well. But what if, instead of reacting, you take control of your own experience? What if you proactively create the energy and emotions you want?
This is where selfishness comes in: choose your words and actions based on what will create the exact emotional experience YOU want to live in:
- Want peace? Speak kindly and gently.
- Want warmth? Offer a hug.
- Want love? Show appreciation.
- Want laughter? Initiate a lighthearted conversation.
Instead of waiting for your spouse to set the emotional climate, take the lead. By embodying the emotions you want to feel, you begin to shape your marriage’s environment in a way that aligns with your own needs and desires.
The Ripple Effect of Positive Energy
Here’s the magic—when you act in ways that foster the feelings you want, your partner naturally begins to mirror your energy. This is due to a psychological concept called emotional contagion, where people unconsciously absorb and reflect the emotions of those around them.
Think about a time when someone in your life was in an exceptionally good mood. Their enthusiasm and positivity likely influenced your emotions as well. The same happens in marriage. When you radiate the energy you want, your spouse is more likely to reciprocate, creating a cycle of positive reinforcement.
It’s important to understand that this doesn’t mean controlling your spouse’s reactions. Instead, it’s about recognizing that your behavior has power. When you lead with love, warmth, and kindness, it becomes significantly easier for your spouse to engage in the relationship in the same way.
Overcoming the "But What About Me?" Mentality
One of the most common objections to this approach is: Why should I always be the one making the effort? It’s a fair concern. However, this mindset assumes that marriage is a scoreboard—one where you only give if you’re getting equal effort in return.
The problem with this approach is that it leads to a passive, reactive marriage rather than an intentional, thriving one. Instead of waiting for your spouse to fulfill your emotional needs, realize that you have the power to shape the environment you want to live in. And when you do so consistently, the effort you invest naturally encourages your spouse to do the same.
Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. The most successful marriages are built on 100/100 commitment—where each partner gives their best, not because they’re keeping score, but because they value the relationship itself.
Practical Ways to Implement "Selfish" Love in Your Marriage
Start Each Day with Intention
Before interacting with your spouse, take a moment to ask yourself, How do I want to feel today? Then, actively engage in behaviors that foster that feeling.
Give What You Seek
If you want more affection, initiate small gestures of physical touch. If you want more gratitude, express appreciation first.
Lead with Kindness
Even in moments of conflict, choose to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Create Daily Rituals of Connection
Small moments—whether it’s a warm goodbye kiss, an evening walk, or a shared meal—help sustain emotional intimacy.
The Long-Term Impact of Intentional "Selfishness"
By being “selfish” in this way—by actively shaping your own emotional experience—you don’t just improve your marriage, you create a home environment that nurtures both you and your spouse. Over time, this approach strengthens trust, deepens intimacy, and builds a relationship where both partners feel truly seen and valued.
So, next time you walk through the door, ask yourself:
What do I want to feel?
Then, act accordingly.
That’s one of the real secrets to a happy marriage!
Contact us today to begin transforming your relationship into the powerful, real, and everlasting connection you’ve always desired.
With love and authenticity,
Relationship Architect
